Online gaming for Wusses
First person shooters
Bruce Lee, William Wallace, and the army of Spartans that the movies 300 is based on would make excellent online gamers, able to look an impending beating right in the eye before handing one out tenfold themselves. As we are still some way short of overcoming the moral and ethical dilemmas that prevent the Battle Royale type weekly television show that most of us crave, online gaming is the place to flex your virtual guns and show the world just how badass one finance manager from Woking really can be. Gentlemen, welcome to the arena.
First up, in order to strike fear into your opponents’ hearts before the game has even begun, the aspiring broadband battler needs a suitably brutal gamer tag. JoHnNy5izAlive, SnuGGlez69, and Mr_Pacifist are out a complete non-starter. A good gamer tag needs to slap the eyeballs of your competition and make them sit up and question why their ass is suddenly twitching, not ponder whether you like fluffy ickle kittens playing with woollen balls or rainy days under the duvet in front of Dawsons Creek the most. Tags such as P'wnan _the_Barbarian, I_do_UR_MUM_daily and Mr_PaciFIST are a good start (feel free to use these if still available).
In the words of Rage against the Machine (which incidentally you should play at full volume during every online play session)” know your enemy”. The majority of game lobbies seem to be populated by loud, abrasive American teens, they come in two flavours. One is long in shrill nasal annoying voices, short on gaming skills, the other likes to thrust upon the lobby his poor taste in Hip Hop and Rnb in the futile attempt to prove how gangsta he is. Easy to pick off in large numbers due to their short attention spans and lack of testicular fortitude, not quite a satisfying enough kill for a gamer of your elite status yet just the appetiser needed before we move on to the prize kills further up the online gaming food chain.
Next up is your casual gamer. It is a fool who thinks this gamer is easy pickings, as casual gamers usually stay off the mike and don’t draw attention to themselves. They usually work alone, picking off strays in game to rack up the kills, but having the foundations of a basic game plan. The casual gamer’s one weakness is that once their game plan is sussed by an opposing player (i.e. you) they become predictable, and yet another easy kill to add to your ever growing tally. Good knowledge of the map layouts/game scoring mechanics and game physics will help you dominate this class of player until they inevitably rage quit and run to mommy.
In game stats/rankings etc. should not always be used to assess a players actual skills. As in real battle, being a bit of a sneaky bastard can not only save your own skin, but can also be an effective technique to help rack up the kills. There is a type of gamer who will enter the lobby as a very low rank, and to all intents and purposes screams “I’m a noob, please shoot me repeatedly as I look at the floor and continuously walk into walls”. However when the game begins, I_c_ded_people74 becomes some kind of whirling dervish of automatic gun fire and wanton carnage. When the dust settles and all is said and done, he’ll find himself sat atop of the scoreboard, and although the jig is well and truly up, the damage has been done and he exits the lobby sharply looking for fresh meat to fool. While I applaud this type of cyber subterfuge, there is really no other way to guard against this type of foe other than to regard every player you meet as a potential John Rambo.
This brings us on to the clan player, and the toughest foe of all to best, but we didn’t come this far to brick it now and that shiny new gamer tag you are just breaking in needs a bit of experienced blood spilt over it. Clan players like to think they are the elite. If they made a film about online gamers, these would be the tossers who high five each other after each kill, shower together and ultimately get taken apart by the ballsy up and comer whom they beat savagely somewhere in act 1. There real strength lies in numbers, as clan players’ work together in game to effectively control the match. They alternate game plans switching from a map mop up technique to all outs stand-off dictating the flow of the round. The key is to try and isolate a clan member and take him out, several times if necessary. This should have a similar result that punching a hornets nest usually has, as the clan will abandon their current game plan and more than likely come after you either individually or collectively. Now the playing field becomes slightly more even and using the skills honed from reading this article and plenty of in game practice, clan players should be as just as easy to pick off as the rest of the player types discussed.
An honourable mention must go to a friend of mine Sir_Rinse_A_Lot (psn) whom has developed a technique that not only generates him a shed load of kills, but an inbox full of hate mail. If an opposing player kills him, he will mercilessly hunting down said player and melee kill him whenever possible, over and over again until the game ends or they end up quitting and having a good cry. Not only does this technique ensure a steady flow of kills, but the effect of psychologically dominating your opponent and the satisfaction that it brings make it an extremely effective technique battle technique. Sir_Rinse_a_Lot, we salute you.
So, are you ready to graduate from noob 101 and kick it up a notch, are you ready to go toe to toe with the modern day equivalent of Rome’s gladiators? Fire up your console/PC and look me up… I’m the p’wn collector (Steam) and don_vennuchi (psn) I’ll be the one standing atop of a pile of smoking corpses bringing the noise.