20 February 2012

Lord of the Fanboys

Fan boy (Fan-boi) - displaying of unwavering belief that a product/brand/team/space captain is superior to all other identical product/brand/team/space captain. Beyond fanatical, a fan boy backs up said claims with nonsensical mutterings, personal insults and generally poor hygiene.

                         Fan boys like to be pictured representing their particular cause no matter how distasteful

PC or mac? Oasis or Blur? Kirk or Picard? If you answered any of those questions with an elevated pulse rate, a cold clammy sweat or an erection you my friend are a fan boy. (fan girls do not exist, to argue one is better than a comparative similar requires a small amount of testosterone and a large amount of social inadequacy).

Take for example the Star Trek/Star Wars divide. Both are science fiction franchises, both set in space, feature a fleet of spaceships and crappy alien outfits bought from JTF. Some prefer Star Wars, some others Star Trek, whilst most normal folk see them for the poorly plotted, appallingly scripted plagiarising merchandise flogging cinema excrement they really are.

       Pictured - An entirely well tought out and highly developed charcater that is in no way a Jamican racial stereotype

Fan boys however tool up with the small differences between each and wage war on forums worldwide. Star Wars has light sabres squeaks HandSOLO69, Star Trek has Teleporters counters Scottie2bridge. What about Ewoks pipes LeiaLoVeR? We ve got Klingons and Mr Fuckin Spock is KirksB!TCH's  retort. And on and on it rages. Forums are no place for the causal fan. Every member reckons he's the biggest swinging dick in town with nary a scene missed or a continuity error not researched and readied to counter. Clearly an excellent use of free time all round.


Scoff as we may at these malnourished loners, great power lies within. For when they gather in great numbers insignificant events can indeed occur.

Remember the "Wispa", a chocolate bar compromised 50% ingredients 50% fresh air and a full rrp of 60p thank you very much Cadburys! It was the bar nobody missed and fan power brought it kicking and screaming back to the shelves.

Square Enix were so tired of getting envelopes full of jizzy tissues addressed to Cloud Strife at their offices they went and made a movie about Final Fantasy 7. The mere mention of a possible next gen remake of the PlayStation One classic is enough to make some grown men sob tears of joy and tops most fan boys (wet) dream list.

Fitter. Apparantly.

Oh, and dont think music is too cool to be a target for fanboyism. Ageing broke rockers Marillion asked Internet headbangers to fly them to The US for a few gigs, and fund the next couple of albums. The result? Fan boys everywhere sifting through their Rush wallets ignoring that out of date condom they picked up at biology class one summer, and throwing used banknotes at their monitor screens.
                  Please take all of my money, I dont need it to take girls out, buy deodourant or anything like that!

So while fanboyism can become something of a license to print money, there is a more serious side to this modern affliction. I like many others no less, lost a friend to the 360/PS3 wars recently. We'd been comrades for nigh on five years, but after one too many HD-DVD jokes he removed me from his face book friends list.
                                                The floating head is Wozzer, I miss you man...

As in any war, casualties are inevitable. The lack of informed opinion and a slow to middling social life are a breeding ground for fanboyism. Though there may not be any one true answer, in the end are we not all striving towards the same goal? To live good honest lives? Treat others how we would expect to be treated ourselves? Own an iphone 4S as it clearly beats the snot outta Android all day long smart phone wannabe losers!


  1. Fitter apparently? Cosplay girls are the reason I have the internet.

    1. Indeed - although some are a complete fail.